AN UNUSUAL MORNING

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"Hello! And how did you find yourself this morning?"
"Well I just rolled back the sheets, and there I was."
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I had a very strange morning yesterday, on the way to work... First of all, as I was walking for Superdrug (that's a pharmacy, not a bad place, for all you American readers (as if I have any American readers, as if. Probably no-one is reading this apart from me, and the mentally challenged), where you can buy shampoo and vibrators), and all of a sudden, a pushchair appeared from NO-WHERE, pushed by some freaky tink of nature. This woman was the Queen of the Gypsies, wearing assorted sports-wear, and with her hair pulled back so tight, that her eyes were nothing but white. Anyway, so, alarmed, I leapt out of the way, and shouted "Slow down lady, there's a BABY in your battering ram!".
And she SNARLED at me. She actually snarled. Snarled! I've never been snarled at, apart from my dog, when she's play-acting. But this Princess of Gyppos snarled. It was terrifying.
So, I continued along my way, and I spotted Lil, the ex-landlady of the pub where I used to work. "Hello Lil!" I said. And she looked at me as if I was a terrorist bomber, who she'd just caught taking a shit in her bread-bin.
"I don't know you." she said.
"Yes, you do Lil, it's Chris!" I replied, rather stunned. And then I remembered my beard.
But, dear weirdo reader, this isn't some lady that I served a drink to just once. This is a lady who I served drinks to, most nights for 5 years, over the holiday periods where I was back from university/GAP year. I was invited to her husband's funeral, for God's sake! But she didn't recognise me.
"I didn't always used to have the beard, Lil." I added.
"I don't know you." she repeated, and headed off on her old, crusty way.
Anyway, so, two enemies made in one afternoon.
Then, as I was walked on, I spotted a nice Muslim lady walking towards me. There were about one million men walking in the same direction as me, all wearing watches on their short-sleeved arms, and she didn't ask any of them what time it was. But then she saw me (and my beard), and she asked me the time. I think it was the beard. She was comfortable in the beard, as if it was a warm and cosy home. Maybe a mosque away from mosques. And I felt priveleged. I really did.
So whilst I may have terrified, and then been blanked by an old woman, and made an enemy of the Gypsy Nation, I've found a friend in Islam. And when it comes to Holy War, I think I know who the best ally is...
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[Chris would like to add, to those who take me too seriously, that I'm just being silly here. It's true events, folks, but I don't mean anything by it. Seriously, I don't actually believe in anything.
God? - No.
Jaffa Cakes? - No.
Wasps? - No.
But when it comes to the crunch, the Islamic faith vs. Chavvy Gypsies would be an easy bet to make.]