Right. Hello there everyone.

It's just about to go 10pm, and I'm sat at home, with the internet not working. I'm supposed to be hard at work sending out emails to local newspapers & radio stations about my dyeing thing. But the internet's not working, so I can't. So, I'm typing this up, so I can post it tomorrow. Basically I've been working the phones today (really for much less time than I should have...), and thinking up ideas for the posters that are going to spring-up all over Twickenham & Richmond, hopefully.

I've also made a fantastic pirate head-scarf today, and I'm going to get some fabric paint (maybe tomorrow before work) so I can paint a big skull & crossbones on the front.

I'm listening to the Adam & Joe Coca-Cola podcast at the moment, which plays music from as-yet-unsigned bands. This podcast has various 'music-experts' appearing, to rave about their favourite unsigned tunes, before playing them, with a little bit of the usual Adam & Joe humourous comments thrown in for good measure. And these 'music-experts' really do rave on - really bigging up these bands, and saying how great and amazing, and totally new and wow they are. And basically each time a song starts, I think, "Hmm. Yeah. Not my thing. NEXT!" I don't really think these bands should be signed, I'm afraid (no offence to the guys, because they're OBVIOUSLY reading this - I mean, man, who isn't? Anyone who's Anyone reads this blog). But then again, I don't work in the music industry, and I certainly don't think that I'm particularly au-fait with the kids.

Definitely haven't descended to their depths yet.

Actually, as the most qualified 'music-expert' currently in the room, I'll give you my recommendations for songs to illegally download, if you can find them - songs that I'm listening to a lot at the moment...

1.) "Light enough to travel" - the Be Good Tanyas

2.) "Just Another Sunday" - the Blasters

3.) "Ai du" - Ali Farka Toure & Ry Cooder

4.) "Respect Yourself" - the Staple Singers

5.) "Bad Side of the Moon" - Bo Diddley

6.) "Nouveau Riff" - Vivian Stanshall

7.) "Going to Vietnam" - Big Amos

8.) "Strange Tongues" - Vivian Stanshall

9.) "Oh I Wept" - Free

10.) "Climbing to the Moon" - Eels

So what are you waiting for? Get out there & get downloading! You should probably download some Screaming Jay Hawkins too, just for good measure, because he's a good kid. And see if you can find "Invocation" by the Incredible String Band, because I heard it on on-line radio, and haven't been able to find it since - it's extraordinary. On a slightly different note, I found a band on the internet called "Psychedeliasmith", which I thought was hilarious. Check them out too. Other things you should be looking at are the Adam & Joe XFM podcasts, and (on youtube.com) the ridiculous R Kelly's stupid "Trapped in the Closet" R&B/soap opera, which is quite the most giggle-worthy thing I've seen for a long time.

I love the idea that one afternoon, R Kelly turns up at R-Kelly Studios, where he runs his operations from, and he goes into the big board-room where he summons all his creative staff when he wants something done. (Usually, they're training in the next rooms, dressed in black jumpsuits, and doing kung-fu & exploding things). But in he walks, and he leans against the big chair that means 'I'm R Kelly - your boss'. And he looks down along the table at his minions, and he bellows "I'm a mother-fuckin' THESBIAN, I need something new. A new angle." And one of his creative team mutters "But... but how? You're not even a lady". And there's muffled giggles, but R Kelly doesn't notice, because he's FURIOUS, man, and he takes out his gun.

"I want something new! I want it now! My record sales are down! No-ones taking me seriously! I'll be back in seven days, and if you haven't made something new, then your arses are toast man! I'll feed you to my mother-fuckin' gorilla!" (Because he's R Kelly, a big man, and he owns a gorilla).

So he leaves the room, and the creative staff all cluster round. They have to produce something good, or they'll be fired and then fed to an ape. And then one of them says, "We've got to create something really shit, but pretend it's really important". Because really, they all hate him and think he's a wanker. And they've also realised that he's a fucking idiot too.

So, without even waiting for the week to pass, they call him up about four minutes later, and they say "Hey, Mr Kelly, we've got it! Come over & we'll discuss it."So, R Kelly comes back, and he's pulled out his pistol, just in case it's a trap. And they say, "Hey Mr Kelly, we've got a tune, and we've got a concept. It's an R&B opera!" And R Kelly just can't believe it, he's stunned and gobsmacked.

"A mother-fuckin' what?" he says, "But that's bullshit, man! I don't sing opera."

"No no, Mr Kelly, you won't be singing opera, it's like a soap opera. But all sung hippetty-hoppetty. And you commentate all the action, and sing all the characters parts!" (Because his creative people are lazy, and haven't really thought it through, they just want a shit idea to make him look like a twat). Another chimes in,

"The Who did it... They did "Tommy". And it made them lots of money."

"The mother-fuckin' who?" yells R Kelly.

"Yes. The mother-fuckin' Who."

"And it made lots of money? Hmm. But I got loads of money. And anyway, I don't care about money no more. I'm a thesbian."

"Well we've written it all about ordinary people leading extraordinary lives. It's something people can really relate to, something important. A zeitgeist of our times. People will look back in years to come and say, "Yes. That's what life was really like". It'll be a huge thing, and lots of people will think that you're really clever to have come up with the idea..."

R Kelly strokes his chin and ponders. "They'll think it was my idea?"

"We'll make sure of it - we certainly don't want anyone to think it was us."

"And they'll think I'm clever? Like, intelligent? A social commentator?"

"Yes boss. You can even do a commentary to show the people really what you were thinking". So R Kelly buys the idea. Spends tons of money to pay his creative people for their shit idea, and their tune which took them Fifty Seconds to think up, and then just repeat and repeat. The songs are recorded, the filming is finished, and R Kelly is thrilled to bits, bless his little cotton socks. And meanwhile, his creative team are running to the bank, pissing themselves with laughter for such a shit idea, and how much of a ridiculous fool that they've made R Kelly into. I'm not sure if that is actually what happened, but I'd like to think that it is.

But the man... is a Midget.

Midget.

Midget.